The fact that you and your spouse are sealed together carries enormous weight and far-reaching implications. While you are correct in stating that nothing trumps agency, nevertheless, the scriptures and prophets also teach us that a conversion opportunity or opportunities will occur or each of us. The Book of Mormon is a text book on that principle. I highly recommend that you get a copy of my book, Rescuing Wayward Children, and read the chapter containing the promises made to parents. When we parents are faced with long-term situations with our wayward children, we must remember a few truths. First, mortality does not end until the resurrection. Next, final judgment is not pronounced until each of us has been presented with the full truth and has the unrestricted ability to choose. In substanitally every case, repentance is possible, and God’s mercy is more extensive than we can imagine. Eternal judgment is not determined by deception; only with full light and knowledge and unfettered choice could judgment be fair. Finally, God’s love and redeeming power is beyond our ability to comprehend. He has created a plan of salvation for each of us. He has foreseen our sins, misjudgments and mistakes, and he has taken care of those things. We except that most people, when they are presented with the full truth as was Alma, that they will choose as he did. Until that day, parents’ responsibility is to be good partners with God as he works his plan. That means that you put your energy into increasing your level of sanctification, that you love unconditionally, and that you maintain the relationship. Conversion opportunities will come to the child–in this life or the next, those opportunities will come. Guaranteed. When they do, miracles often happen. Don’t lose hope. God hasn’t.

Blessings,
Larry

You are right in the idea that the source of the pain is in the idea of salvation and ordinances. The church claims exclusivity to absolute truth and the means of redemption. My point, as previously mentioned, is that this claim of exclusivity is not a Mormon-centric ideal. Dogma and belief in the great apostasy aside, the Catholic claim to the absolute saving rights by means of baptism and various sacraments is still very real. A family member who leaves Catholicism to join the LDS church causes the same level of distress as seen in these families. So my question is how would you comfort the family of a catholic to LDS convert? Would it not pain you to see them begin to cling to orthodoxy as a means to bring back “wayward” children? Do you think that orthodoxy would soften the hearts of their children or further push them away catholic beliefs?

The answer to the pain lies in the assumptions that God loves his children and is just. The belief of multiple apostasies throughout time means that there is an undeniably significant percentage of the total human population that has not even heard of Jesus Chirst, much less the Mormon church (currently <1% of the worlds population), hence the need for vicarious ordinances and preaching to the dead. This belief in the absolute justice and love of God is a source of peace for those of differing beliefs, as we must accept that the nature of life includes acting upon incomplete knowledge – there is only so much we can learn in one lifetime and God would be unjust in condemning us in such as state.

Well, I’m starting to ramble (my apologies), so I’ll get to the point. Your non-member family are in as much pain as you are. They wish that they could change your views, as they see the church as a man-made institution that consumes time, money and energy. much akin to how Mormon’s view those who follow televangelists (not trying to offend, just explain). It hurts to see my loved ones being consumed by a religion that I view as blatantly false and abusive. But it will cause nothing but alienation if I try to continually butt heads over differing views.

Instead, why not build on common beliefs? Have family activities without the dogma. Do non-church based charity together. Find ways to show kindness, without drawing upon the mutual underling intentions for conversion. And draw peace from the idea that God loves his children and will not dismiss them for their frailties.

My regards.

You make a good point, and I appreciate your non-combative approach. You might imagine that I hear often from people who have become disassociated with the Church. Usually, they take my writings very personally, as though I was singling them out and publicly attacking them. I never take the time to respond to such people. It wouldn’t be productive, because all they want to do is argue.

Let me try to explain an underlying philosophy that sets LDS parents apart from the others you have mentioned. This philosophy lies on a foundational concept that I doubt many of them could adequately articulate. This philosophy is bold, and makes Mormons the targets of ongoing and sometimes violent persecution. This philosophy elevates the Church from a nice culture to a vibrant system of saving covenants and ordinances that mark the path leading to eternal life. I know you have heard this before, but please hear me out.

Mormons (and Mormon parents) believe that these saving covenants and ordinances existed in the primitive Church and that Jesus Christ taught them and administered them. Moreover, he authorized, empowered and commissioned twelve apostles with the priesthood (his authority) to become the custodians of these covenants and ordinances. I do not need to rehearse scriptural evidence because it is so prevalent in the New Testament. My point is this: Jesus organized an actual Church to “house” these sacred covenants and ordinances, and he set the apostles to be the “custodians.” At the time of Christ, this practice and philosophy flew in the face of the current religion, and Church members were persecuted and killed for their belief. It was perceived as presumptive, outlandish and dangerous.

Like the saints of the primitive Church, LDS parents believe that there is a single way to obtain eternal life, which they define as life with God and pursuing the quality of life he enjoys. This is not always and never has been a popular view. As I have said, people in all generations have sacrificed severely for holding to this point of view, but nevertheless they cling to it tenaciously, even unto death. Their greatest desire is that their children come to understand this foundational philosophy of the Church, and that their children receive an answer from God and then choose to believe and live it. But if their children step away from the Church or do not believe the philosophy immediately, the parents hope and pray that the children will one day have the opportunity to see clearly enough to make an informed choice, for lack of a better term, whereas now that choice might be clouded by all sorts of competing doctrines and philosophies.

Where is all of this leading to? Let’s continue. After Jesus’ death, the apostles continued to to preach this same gospel and administer the sames covenants and ordinances. As the Church grew,the apostles ordained others to preach and administer the covenants and ordinances, as Jesus had done when he was alive. Then there was a great apostasy. It is well documented. Apostasy means to fall away, suggesting that exterior pressure might have contributed to the fall but did not cause it. A scan of Christian history proves that competing internal forces ruptured the primitive Church and the people split off into their own factions. In other words, the saints became their own worst enemies. When the people chose away from the Church and ultimately apostatized, the Lord ceased calling new apostles to replace those who had died. Suddenly, without apostles as the foundation, the Church collapsed, and only concepts of Christianity survived–but not the covenants and ordinances nor the authority to administer them. Only apostles had that authority to do such things. Again, these things were prophesied by Jesus and the apostles, and a latter-day Restoration was also prophesied. These things are evident throughout the Bible.

So here is the first point where Mormons split from other churches. We believe that Jesus Christ organized a church that was as perfect as he was. That is, there was no need to change something that was perfect in organization and doctrine. Apostles were the foundation of the Church of Jesus Christ. Priesthood was necessary to govern the Lord’s Church. Sacred, saving covenants and ordinances were the essence of the gospel message, and those things were administered by men who were actually authorized and empowered to do so. There was a falling away, and there was a full restoration. We believe that the Church of Jesus Christ has been fully restored to the earth, and that that Restoration includes the same organization, authority, covenants and ordinances. The Church differs from all other Christian in that it is neither an off-shoot nor a result of protestantism. It does not evolve from Catholicism nor any other religion. It was revealed from heaven to a prophet in the same way other restorations of the gospel have occurred in the past. (For example to Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Moses, etc.)

The purposes of Jesus Christ are 1) to bring us back to God and 2) to help us become like God. To bring us back requires baptism and the Holy Ghost. To help us become like God requires an infusion of heavenly power and knowledge. Now we are talking about more ordinances beyond baptism to give us that power and knowledge.These sacred covenants and ordinances are administered in temples. Again, these concepts are not new; they permeate the pages of the New Testament, and as we know, temples have always been part of God’s true Church in any age.

Of course, this process of priesthood, progressive ordinances and temples seems like nonsense to the world. Nevertheless, the Church of Jesus in any age has required that its members receive authorized ordinances by way of covenant-making. That is, to obtain salvation as I have tried to define it, we must make agreements or covenants with the Lord, along with those covenants’ associated ordinances. No one can simply state that they have made an agreement with God. All scriptural evidence points to formalizing such agreements by means of an ordinance–and an authorized priesthood holder has always been the one administering the covenant and its associated ordinance. When we keep our end of the agreement, God keeps his, and we progress blessing upon blessing, power upon power, knowledge upon knowledge until we become like God. Members of God’s Church have always been called “covenant people.”
Covenants and ordinances are the markers along the path leading to salvation. As I have stated, the apostles are the custodians of the keys to these sacred covenants and ordinances. When we make a covenant and receive the associated ordinance by the power of the authority of the apostles, we are assured that the terms of the covenant will endure eternally, if we abide by the terms of the covenants. We have God’s personal seal and guarantee.

So what is Jesus’ purpose and the purpose of his Church? 1) to bring us back to God and 2) to help us become like God. The path that we follow has the following markers (covenants and ordinances):

1. Baptism and the Holy Ghost

2. Aaronic and Melchizedek Priesthood ordination for men

3. Temple ordinances

4. Eternal marriage.

Here is how these markers help us become like God.

1. Baptism and the Holy Ghost–To help us step away from the telestial world and point us toward the celestial world

2. Priesthood—To help us obtain the authority of God.

3. Temple ordinances–To help us obtain the knowledge and power of God.

4. Eternal marriage. To help us obtain the lifestyle and kingdom of God.

I doubt that I have told you anything that you do not know. LDS parents believe that there is a single path that leads to these supernal blessings. Some parents can explain this concept well, and others cannot. Nevertheless, they believe in it fiercely, and like saints in all ages, they are willing to sacrifice anything for their belief. Are they persecuted and misunderstood? Sometimes. Nevertheless, they love their children and hope that their children will take a hard look at the message of the Restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ…and perhaps reconsider.

I agree with you that LDS parents share similarities to parents of other faiths whose children choose otherwise; that is, they feel equal pain. Nevertheless, there is a larger issue that has nothing to do with culture, traditions or generational concerns. That larger issue has to do with ultimate salvation. If, indeed, there is only one way to obtain eternal life then no amount of disbelief, rationalization or debate will change that fact. Of course, that bold message has often irritated others, and as I have said, members of the Church have sometimes paid a high price for holding to that belief. But if it is true, it behooves all of us to consider it without passion or prejudice. Also, if it is true, then God would be obligated to tell us–not man, but God himself. If this is the most important message that he has for his children then he alone should provide the ultimate answer. No me, not your parents, but God.

For my part, and I would suspect for the part of your parents, I have put God to the test. Like you, I once drifted away for a season. But an experience urged me to step back and regroup–to put God to the test and see if I was caught up in my parents’ tradition, or if I had judged wrongly. I paid a price for the answer I received. I set aside my prejudice long enough to study the subject thoroughly so that I was approaching it from the point of view of knowledge and not supposition or prejudice. I needed to satisfy my intellect, but of course, intellect can never take the place of a direct spiritual answer from God. When that answer came, it was undeniable and beyond anything that I had ever experienced. It would be impossible to duplicate to dream up. The answer burned out all the doubt and prejudice and misunderstanding. It formed the foundation for myriad similar experiences since that time, as I have learned here a little and there a little. My story is not unique. I have seen it time and again. If the Church is true, God himself will tell you. If it is true, it holds the greatest message that the world has ever heard. It explains the purpose of life that is more satisfying, convincing and hopeful than could be found in any other philosophy.

I have tried to explain why your parents’ situation and beliefs differ from those of other parents. Their beliefs are light years’ divergent because there is more on the line. I doubt that they love more than other parents, believe with more passion, or hurt more–they simply hold to a set of beliefs that cannot be duplicated. Most likely, like me, they have paid a high price to receive an answer about their beliefs directly from God, and for that reason, they are fully devoted to him and are willing to sacrifice for their beliefs. In the end, motivated by nothing more than intense love for you, they hope the day will come when you will try an experiment to see if God will reveal the same to you. I guarantee that you will receive an answer. It always comes to those who are sincerely seeking the truth, and who are determined to follow the truth when God reveals it to them.

I sense that you are a good person, who is non-combative and sincere. You obviously come from good parents who love you. You could have approached your letter to me in an argumentative fashion, and you chose a softer approach. That speaks volumes about your character. You are one of a very few people who are disassociated with the Church whom I have taken the time to answer. Mostly, they write ugly sentiments and try to castigate me. I am not interested. But you have handled this sensitive subject courteously, and I sense that you are open to a frank discussion. I thank you for your generosity.I hope you will consider what I have tried to explain. Clearly, email is one of the worst ways to communicate such things. I hope you will reconsider your parents’ motives and concerns from another point of view and not lump them in with other parents. Again, while there are similarities, the issues are extremely different. I sincerely hope the day will come when you might be willing to reconsider the Church of Jesus Christ in light of what I have tried to explain. If you do, and more importantly if you will ask God, I guarantee that you will receive a definitive answer.

Thanks for taking the time to write to me.

Larry

How do you think the parents of protestant converts felt during Martin Luther’s time? Do you think they where concerned about their children following false prophets and deviant beliefs? How about parents of the early Buddhist martyrs? How about the family of modern day Islam convert in America? Or how about the parents of early English LDS converts? Do you think that they were comfortable with their children’s plans to travel to the other side of the world to join a small religious sect founded around ancient gold tablets and a 20ish charismatic prophet?

Do you suppose that they have:
-Thoughts of failure as parents?
-Concerns for their children leaving the “religion of their fathers”?
-Fears that abandoning their religion is just another small erosion of the bedrock of faith, thus leading to a slippery slope of greater evils?

My guess is that you are actually worried that you are losing a connection with your children. That they are going to places you cannot and will not follow.

I can personally tell you I regret telling my parents about my disbelief. Why? Because they just accepted 100% of “responsibility and blame”. Their first thought wasn’t to ask why I decided to leave, it was to ask what had they done wrong. Instead of trying to find a middle place, a place of commonly shared values to maintain the relationship, they immediately recoiled and recommitted to the church, hoping that doing so would pull me back to the church, whether I wanted to or not. I have no doubt that my name is in the temple roll every week and that my parents hope that I will have a “Alma the younger” experience. What frustrates me is that they don’t comprehend that I wish the same for them. I see my parents becoming more orthodox each day, devoting more and more to the church and less to the family.

So what can be done? Mutual respect and acknowledgment of differing perspectives. Looking through my parents eyes at the church, I respect why they show so much devotion. In their perspective it is a beautiful thing and I don’t want to take that away from them; however, in my perspective of the church, it doesn’t espouse the values that I hold sacred. But in the end, the values are the same.

I understand that their are many on this forum whose loved ones have turned to drugs and destructive habits. I wish to express my condolences for their sorrow and pain and I truly hope that their loved ones find stability in those that care for them, but I would hope that they would understand that correlation is not always causation.

The church teaches that salvation is a black and white issue. You must be on one side of the fence. Cold or hot. On this I must humbly disagree. When leaving the church, I did not check in all of my beliefs at the door, nor did I abandon the core principles that I hold dear. To quote one of my most favorite authors:

‘Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.’

If you want your loved ones to be continuous parts of your life, stop playing tug-of-war and start building bridges on common beliefs. You might be surprised on how wide those bridges might turn out to be.

I hope that you will not see this post as an attack, but as an example of how your so-called “lost” family feels.

“As she asked me for a blessing to sustain her in what to do with this awful situation in which she found herself, my thoughts were, ‘Didn’t you ask for this? You married a guy who really didn’t have any depth to him and raised your kids too permissively. You should have fought harder to keep them in church rather than letting them run off to racetracks.’ I had all those judgments in my head. I laid my hands on her head, and the Lord told her of his love and his tender concern for her. He acknowledged that he had given her (and she had volunteered for) a far, far harder task than he would like. (And, as he put in my mind, a harder task than I had had. I have eight good kids, the last of whom just went to the temple. All would have been good if they had been orphans.) She, however, had signed up for hard children, for children who had rebellious spirits but who were valuable; for a hard husband who had a rebellious spirit but who was valuable. The Lord alluded to events in her life that I hadn’t known about, but which she confirmed afterwards: twice Heavenly Father had given her the choice between life and death, whether to come home and be relieved of her responsibilities, which weren’t going very well, or whether to stay to see if she could work them through. Twice on death’s bed she had sent the messenger away and gone back to that hard task. She stayed with it.”

“I repented, I realized I was in the presence of one of the Lord’s great noble spirits, who had chosen not a safe place behind the lines pushing out the ordnance to the people in the front lines as I was doing, but somebody who chose to live out in the trenches where the Lord’s work was being done, where there was risk, where you could be hurt, where you could lose, where you could be destroyed by your love. That’s the way she had chosen to labor.” (My Parents Married on a Dare, Carlfred Broderick, p. 125-126)

Thanks again for all you write, words mean a lot to me. Charmaine Anderson