Rescuing Wayward Children
Jul 11th, 2008 by larrybarkdull
Mormon foresaw an epidemic of latter-day wayward children, and, as always, he had an answer. With a little perspective and by implementing powerful gospel tools, we parents need not stand by and wring our hands. We can actively attack this problem and win! The Book of Mormon, modern-day prophets and the Lord have promised!
The Book of Mormon parallel
To help us, Mormon chose powerful examples from his history that would correspond with his vision of the last days. Regarding waywardness, he chose the story of Alma the Elder and his son. To set up this story, he related an important incident regarding the Nephite “pioneers,” whom the Lord had delivered and brought to their land of promise.
The similarity between the Nephite pioneers and our forefathers does not escape us. Those stalwart parents, who had sacrificed so much to establish their Zion in Zarahemla, were now raising children who did not believe, as had their parents. Here is how Mormon describes these children of the next generation:
“Now it came to pass that there were many of the rising generation that could not understand the words of king Benjamin, being little children at the time he spake unto his people; and they did not believe the tradition of their fathers. They did not believe what had been said concerning the resurrection of the dead, neither did they believe concerning the coming of Christ. And now because of their unbelief they could not understand the word of God; and their hearts were hardened. And they would not be baptized; neither would they join the church. And they were a separate people as to their faith, and remained so ever after, even in their carnal and sinful state; for they would not call upon the Lord their God.”
This frightening account of children abandoning their parents’ beliefs and following paths of carnality and sin resonates in too many LDS families. Mormon made the point that no set of parents, not even the king of the land or the prophet of God, is safe from the effects of the plague of wayward children: “Now the sons of Mosiah were numbered among the unbelievers; and also one of the sons of Alma was numbered among them, he being called Alma, after his father….” Clearly, Satan can reach into any family and snatch away any of our innocent children.
No grief is as acute
Of course, when this happens to us, we feel grief-stricken, isolated, ashamed and guilty. In vain we internalize and personalize the child’s bad behavior: “What did I do wrong? Why didn’t I see this coming?” We groan under the weight of apparent scriptural indictments: “And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents…And they shall also teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord.”
Perhaps worst, we feel helpless to change things. Should we employ tough love and risk destroying the relationship? Or should we silently watch and mourn and risk losing the child completely? Where are the answers? Where is power to change things?
There is an answer
Mormon knew the answer. So did the ancient prophets, and so do the modern prophets. It is a common theme, if we know where to find it. But first we have to admit that waywardness is, at least in part, a spiritual problem, and that part needs to be handled spiritually. Therefore, we need to start with three spiritual things:
1. Perspective. The Fall renders us significantly impotent. We ever feel sin beckoning us, and we cannot escape the realities of corruption, aging, disease and opposition. Mortality is a hard experience for our children and for us.
2. Grace. We cannot make it alone. The Fall is an impossible situation without divine intervention and help. Only Jesus Christ can give us the strength to persevere, overcome and do good works.
3. Strength. Strength to do what? Strength to change, not eliminate, our circumstance. Strength to believe in and draw upon the power of the atonement, where there is infinite power. Strength to believe that the Lord is bound to us by covenant, and therefore there are principles that allow us to tap into that higher power and change our situation.
For us to become agents of change, parents who are capable of acting in the strength of the Lord, suggests that we reevaluate our level of belief in the Plan of Redemption and adopt a new perspective. Perhaps we need to reexamine our faith. Do we simply believe that Christ is, or do we believe who he is? Do we believe that the gospel is a vibrant system of reclamation and redemption, or do we simply believe that it is a nice culture?
Rescuing wayward children all comes down to this: The gospel—the whole gospel—is true! And this is the lesson that we learn from Alma’s experience: Any effort that parents put forth to increase their level of sanctification has a direct redeeming effect on their children. In other words, the redeemed do the redeeming; the sanctified do the sanctifying. The gospel of Jesus Christ absolutely holds the spiritual solution for spiritual waywardness.
Sweeping prophetic promises
Of course, nothing trumps agency, and no guarantee could ever been made that a child will ultimately choose to turn from a life of waywardness. Nevertheless, these principles are so powerful that the prophets have used very little qualifying language in making universal and incredible promises. The atonement has a much greater reach than we might imagine.
Such optimism from the prophets for eventual success should kindle hope within any parent’s despairing heart. These empowering principles and promises should be good news for us. Rather than languishing in hopelessness, while watching our children die spiritually, we can employ the sanctifying principles found in the Plan of Redemption and expect miracles to happen.
And miracles do happen!
A psychologist in Utah shares his experience:
“When our teenage son abandoned the Church and fell into a life of alcohol, drugs and wonton sex, my wife and I were devastated. My reaction was to apply the principles of psychology to change the boy, but I soon discovered that this situation was beyond my training. I had never felt so disempowered. I had always thought that I could handle even the most difficult behavioral situations with my science, but as I watched my son free-fall into spiritual oblivion, I felt absolutely helpless.
“Remarkably, my wife came up with a solution. She had no professional training for this, but she was a student of the scriptures—the very thing she needed to be. I resisted her solution at first. It was too simple, I thought. Then I remembered that the Israelites had been asked to do an easy thing too: Look at the brass serpent and live. I was soon to learn that the principles affecting spiritual healing are just that simple, as simple as the gospel that spawned them. My wife’s solution was this: ‘We will pray and fast for our son. Then we will go to the temple twice a month, instead of once, and we will put his name on the prayer rolls in faith.’
“That struck me as a disappointing answer. I thought, ‘We are dealing with an urgent, complicated situation, for goodness sake; it calls for an urgent, complicated answer, not all this Sunday School stuff. Our son is dying, and all you can come up with is pat answers? Prayer, fasting, temple attendance—give me a break!’ I didn’t say this out loud, of course. For the sake of our marriage, I agreed to do as my wife recommended, but I held onto my psychology books, just in case.
“Over time, my wife extended more love to our son. Together, we prayed, fasted and upped our temple attendance. She found promises from the prophets and kept copies in her nightstand. She searched the scriptures for spiritual remedies. Despite our effort, things went from bad to worse. On several occasions, I picked up my son from jail. He would bring home his disgusting friends, who helped themselves to our food. He became belligerent and cursed at us when he didn’t get his way. But through it all, my wife urged patience, faith and perseverance.
“And then it happened! My wife and I had been praying for the Lord to send our son a conversion opportunity—not something that would interfere with his agency and force him out of his destructive lifestyle, but something that would provide him perspective and a clear choice. One night in a drunken stupor, he had an accident that threatened his life. In a miraculous way, he was spared. The situation was so miraculous that if defied explanation. He knew that this was not luck; he knew that God had saved him. Heavenly Father had given him a second chance, and he knew it. That experience opened the door. His accident involved immediate medical treatment. Lying in bed recovering, he was willing to talk about the spiritual implications of his actions. Now I could use my skills as a psychologist to discuss his behavior and emotional problems. Now all the sciences came together to heal our son.
“Although his complete spiritual recovery is still a work in progress, and although sometimes we feel that we are taking baby steps, we know that our son’s direction has turned 180 degrees and hope is on the horizon. He is active in the Church now. He is working with the Bishop for the restoration of is blessings. He is dating with his eye on the temple. I am convinced that my wife’s and my spiritual efforts opened the door for the Lord to offer our son a choice to change.
“I no longer resist my wife’s simple Sunday School answers. We search the scriptures with more purpose; we pray, fast and attend the temple with more purpose; we hold Family Home Evening and attend to our callings with more purpose. In the beginning, I had wanted to do something to change my son. But I had it all turned around. The Lord’s way is not man’s way. Spiritual healing requires another tactic. I learned that I had to change myself first then an opportunity came to my son. What a discovery!”
There is hope
The powerful principles in the Plan of Salvation are within the reach of anyone who is willing to exert the effort. Is there a need? A survey of any ward in the Church or a scan of Conference talks should provide the answer. Spiritual waywardness is epidemic. You are not alone! In fact you are in good company. Some of the best parents who have ever lived have struggled with wayward children. So much so that one begins to wonder if this situation is not common to the mortal experience. Perhaps it is not a curse after all; maybe it is a trust. Nevertheless, this epidemic was foretold in the scriptures, and a remedy was prescribed. Once parents become acquainted with these redemptive principles, miracles often happen.
The divine resources that are available to us are amazingly expansive, and the vast body of confirming evidence of eventual success is overwhelming. Therefore, to discount the Lord’s power to reclaim, even from incredible distances, or to minimize the power that the Lord has placed within our reach is to disparage the redeeming power of the infinite and universal atonement of Jesus Christ.
Absolutely, there is hope!
(Published on www.MeridianMagazine.com 7.16.08)
Some things we learned during a 20 battle to retrieve our son from the drug culture:
1. There are no magic buttons, bullets, blessings, etc. If you’ve a kid doing drugs or other criminal behavior, be prepared for a long, arduous battle to rescue him/her — a battle you may not win. It will be a long battle, it will take you places (courtrooms, jails, drug rehab facilities, etc.) you will find totally repugnant, and into contact with people with whom you will want nothing to do.
1a. You can’t change your kid. The most expensive drig rehab facility in the world can’t change your kid. Your kid not change until they’re ready to, and that will generally be when they experience so much pain from what they’re doing that they become willing to experience the pain change will bring. Only when they get to that point can drug rehab, psychotherapy, etc. help.
2. Don’t let the stress of dealing with a wayward child destroy your marriage. If you start blaming, playing the “if you had only…paid more attention to his little league games, spent more time with her, not been so critical, etc. etc. etc” you will destroy your marriage.
3. Don’t let dealing with the wayward adversely affect your other kids, and check with them frequently to ensure it isn’t.
Long after the battle ended for us we learned that our wayward son’s younger sister often cried herself to sleep because she knew she would awake to find he had murdered their parents.
4. You are in charge, you define the family rules and you MUST insist on compliance. At a minimum that has to mean: No drugs in our home, No offensive posters on our walls, your druggie friends are not welcome in our home, no filthy language, music, or print/videos in our homes. We will search your room and when we find drugs we will call the police. Bring home stolen property and we will call the police. Put up offensive posters and we will remove them. Play rotten music and we will confiscate your stereo equipment and destroy any offensive CDs and DVDs we find.
If you don’t like these rules and are unwilling to live by them, then go find somewhere else to live where there are rules to your liking.
If there’s a ToughLove group in your town find them – they will help you with this.
5. When your child gets in trouble with the law, go to court with them, but don’t hire lawyers, pay fines, bail them out of jail or do anything else to mitigate the consequences. When you mitigate consequences you’re enabling them.
I learned this the hard way – just once in my son’s criminal career I intervened in his behalf with a judge and talked him out of jail and moved him back into our home. He rewarded that intervention by taking my car for joy rides every night after my wife and I were asleep until a cop stopped him because of a busted tail light.
6. A long spell in jail can be beneficial. It was for our kid. He spent six months in a jail which got him detoxed and with the help of a good counsellor he finally began to see clearly what he was doing to his life.
7. If you see significant changes in countenance, language, etc., bad friends, rotten music and evil posters on the walls, after your kid stars using, ponder and pray about the possibility of demonic possession. Yes, it still happens, just like it did in the Savior’s time, but now we call its manifestations some kind of psychosis and try to treat it with drugs and therapy. Sometimes you just need to use priesthood authority to cast them out. I got rid of 19 evil spirits in my kid. He and we saw a difference in him afterward. Sometimes you have to do it over and over again. It seems that getting high can remove the normal protections we enjoy and open a door wide for evil spirits.
8. If it really gets bad, you may have to ask the Lord to diminish or remove your love for your kid. My wife’s heart was breaking (and that’s a very painful reality, not just a poetic expression) because of her love for our kid. In self defense she had to ask God to take away her love for him, and she survived.
9. Be prepared for failure. God lost one third of his children, Lehi and Sariah lost at least two of theirs, you might lose yours. They are free agents, and some seem utterly determined to destroy themselves. If that is happening, you need to know you are doing all you could to help them see the consequenses of their behavior, but you can not prevent those consequences – your kids has to.
10. Your Heavenly Father is your model in all this. He warns of the consequences of misbehavior, but doesn’t intervene to prevent it. He never, never, never, intervenes to protect us from the consequences of our behavior, in fact He insists we suffer those consequences. He knows that many of us are too stubborn to change until the pain of what we are exceeds the pain we anticipate we’ll experience when we try to change, so He lets us experience the pain in the hope it will motivate us to do better.
I can see Him in court with a disobedient child, but I can’t see him hiring a lawyer to help one of us weasel out of something we did. I can’t see Him talking a kid out of jail or paying bond or a fine to get him out of jail.
11. Pray for angelic interventions in your kid’s life. We did and he experienced several. Some were mortals put in his way at critical times (probation officers, jail counsellors, a proprietor of a fast food joint) and others came from the post mortal world. They all made a positive difference.
Poem by Kelly Miller
ldspoetrybykellymiller.blogspot.com
When we’re grief stricken
With a wayward child
May our hearts quicken
Unto love that’s mild
We’ll not wring our hands
With no way to cope
For we understand
And we ever hope
Although satan lulls
Our loved one to sin
We’ve been given tools
For attack- to win
The path is simple
And we’re not helpless
For, we’ll not crumble
We’ve Christ to enlist
We have perspective
And we know of grace
God is protective
When to Him we race
Our faith must lengthen
Whene’er we are tried
As then we’re strengthened
And we’re sanctified
The heart knows not rest
Till each temple day
The name is addressed
By all those who pray
We’ll fast for success
Sealed to a promise
Though there is distress
Our loves not amiss
We’ve faith in Christ’s name
For He’s redeemed us
And He can reclaim
With power that’s just
When it’s the right time
And it’s the right place
Our wayward child
Will see the lord’s face
Thoughts after reading Rescuing a Wayward Child by
Larry Barkdull
From Rescuing Wayward Children, 2008/07/21 at 2:43 AM
Wayward children can mean many different things. Often times parents look for the obvious signs. Drug, alcohol, drop in grades, whatever. But I warn you Satan is smarter than that. It doesn’t START with drugs etc. It starts WAY before then.
I was abused since I was in 3rd grade by multiple people in multiple ways. I didn’t know what was going on or why and I didn’t have anyone I trusted to talk to about what was happening. I held it all in. My parents were too worried about child support and custody cases involving me and my siblings that they didn’t look at what was going on within us kids. I got good grades and never did anything to make my parents “suspect” me. But by the time I was 21 years old, I was divorced, an alcoholic, drug user, and had started cutting myself. I couldn’t deal with anything anymore and the “acting out” I was doing was a cry for help. For far too long I was ignored and I didn’t have the tools to cope with anything in my life. Satan was happy, I was not.
I am happy to say now I have turned my life around and no longer do those things, but that doesn’t mean I am ok. I will always struggle with those addictions and bear the scars of my self injury. But if parents could learn one thing from me it would be don’t think your kid is ok just because they seem to be doing everything you think they should be. Talk to your kids. Protect them from evil that you may or may not see. Don’t think it can’t happen to you or your kid because it can and does happen. Fight for your kids while they are young. Satan is, so you should too!
Dear Larry
thank you for these wonderful articles, for to long I suffered from what I call church guilt two of my children are inactive but my son is my real concern and got into a little trouble from drugs. I felt like no one in the church understood the pain and agony of what I was dealing with a for along time felt that even the Lord had forgotten this boy, but through articles like this and words from Orsen Whitney I have learnt that there is hope for these wayward children and that our Father in heaven loves them more then we will ever understand, I pray for my children and I through my activity in the church can call on the lord for them, please keep up the good work with these articles as I know that there are sooooo many parents out there struggling with this problem.
God bless and thank you. Sincerly Anna Brimhall
I read your article with interest. My husband and I have 11 children (between us) and of them more are “wayward” than faithful. As I look back on my own children, raised in my selfish immaturity (to be frank, not mere hyperbole) I can understand that while I thought I was teaching true principles, there was a lot of correct teaching that was undone. Now they are not only “wayward” but will have little or no contact with me. I know that it will only be through the mercy of Christ that these relationships can be restored. My husband and I try diligently to keep our covenants and follow the spirit. If I am not ignoring the spirit, this is a time of waiting, patiently, and exercising faith on their behalf.